There is a quote from Eat Pray Love author Elizabeth Gilbert that is really resonating with me right now:
“The problem, simply put, is that we cannot choose everything simultaneously, So we live in danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice.”
These words perfectly capture where I am right now. I am so afraid that I am going to make the wrong decisions in my life (like in getting a Master’s degree or choosing a career path) that I do nearly nothing to advance myself. The fear and indecision has me paralyzed. I am not moving forward. I am stuck in a rut of doing the same meaningless things every day, devoid of purpose and excitement. I have such a desire and passion to make a difference in the world and help others, so being in this place of doubt and insignificance is slowly taking it’s toll.
The people in my life can see how this indecision is having a negative effect on me but I never like to acknowledge it to them. I just say that I am doing the best I can to cope with everything, day in and day out. Is that the truth? Who really knows?! They say, “Just do SOMETHING,” but that makes me feel worse. I don’t want to just do something. I want to do the right things, the purposeful things, the things I am meant to do.
The funny thing is, I am so acutely aware of the fragility and fleeting nature of life, that I can’t make the choices I need to make in order to build my life. I don’t want to look back at the end of my life and say, “Look at all the chances I didn’t take. Look at all the things I didn’t try. Look at all the adventures I didn’t go on.”
I am in some serious need of guidance and courage. I want to live a meaningful and purposeful life and I don’t want to be so afraid of making the wrong choice and failing. That fear of failure is strong. It is preventing me from trying things. And in the back of my mind…that’s what I consider real failure.